The Church Holiday Special season is upon us.

This post is dedicated to Jon Acuff of StuffChristiansLike Fame.
I have decided my Blog is filled with serious rants and raves, and maybe even a spiritual nugget every once in a while.
So it is time for a little sarcasm and Humor.
I love the point system lists that SCL does on a regular basis. In Fact i would like to partake in one of those , and show you the beauty of the Church Choir/Drama Team Extravaganza.

If you are not familiar with this morsel of church delight, get ready to have your socks knocked off.
Nay, get ready to experience a palette explosion of spiritual ecstasy. ( I don't know if i can say ecstasy on a blog about Jesus. Is that proper?)

The Church Choir/Drama Team Extravaganza, is an opportunity for every church member to see the Talent of your Choir, and also to be blessed by the beautiful back drops and inspiring narration of that one guy in your church that sounds like James Earl Jones, or the Movie Preview Guy.
The Whole morning service is devoted to this blessing for above, and I have a test to see where the best one in the world is, so I can come be a part of this blessing.

1. If the extravaganza is Celebrating a Major Holiday (Christmas, Easter, July 4th) = + 5 points

2. Celebrating a Minor Holiday (Memorial day, Arbour Day, George Washington's Birthday, National Muffin Day) = +1 point for every person in the church that is ignorant to the fact that it is a holiday. Minimum of 10 points
*If a church has 1000 people, 999 of them probably have no clue it is National Muffin Day on July 26. Would get 999 points

3. If the Extravaganza is "just for fun" = +15 points

4. If said extravaganza falls precisely on the holiday you are celebrating= +5 point bonus

5. If none of the actors have lines, but a few crowd scenes, and the wole play is narrated = + 5 points

6. If your narrator really does sound like James Earl Jones, or the Movie Preview guy= +10 points

7. If your narrator is hidden, and not part of the Action= + 5 points

8. If the narrator is somehow interwoven in to the extavaganza as a character = + 10 points

(ex a grandfather reading the ressurection story to his grandkids)

9. If the "actors" are dressed in "authentic biblical attire" = + 5 points

10. If there is some modern day clothing thrown in on accident( Dr. Martin sandals with socks) = -5 points

11. If the Easter Extravaganza includes the songs "Via Dolorosa", or "He's Alive" = +5 points

12. If the Christmas Extravaganza includes the songs "Mary did you Know" or A Medly of well known Christmas Carols for the kids. = +5 points

13. If the July 4th Patriotic celebration Extravaganza contains a A medly of the songs for each of the armed forces branchs = +5 points

14. If the July 4th patriotic Medly includes a tribute to the Coast Guard. = + 5 bonus points

15. Each child that waves at their mother, or strays from the routine during the performance. = + 5 points

16. Each child that cry's from stage fright = + 5 points

17. Each adult that crys on stage, it doesn't matter if it is from emotion or Stage Fright, all we are looking for is water
works = + 10 points

18. Each Palm Branch, or American Flag that appears in the Extravaganza= +1 point

19. If every member of the curch is given a small American flag, or Palm Branch to participate in the Extravaganza= +15 points

20 . If participants in the play have "costume changes"= + 8 points

21. If the Extravaganza content has not changed in 10 years but the Name has = + 15 Points

22. If it is disguised as a simple "cantada" = + 5 points.

23. If during the passover scene, Jesus and his disciples are eating real food = + 13 points 1 for each full belly.

24. If both Sunday School, and the "Big Church" service are combined into one to allow more time for the Extravaganza= + 8 points

25 .If there is an intermission= + 1 point per minute.

26. If at the end of all of this beauty the pastor still has time to give a "15 Minute, 5 point sermon" = + 10 points

So there you have it. How to know if your church has the Worlds Greatest Church Choir/Drama Team Extravaganza.
Now it is time to Calculate your scores:

(from 0 to 30 points) Beginner: This church has a long way to go to get into a good routine of Holiday Extravaganza's. Step 1: Find someone that has a voice like James Earl Jones, or The Movie Preview guy. 2. Round up 3-4 children to play grandkids. The more ethnically diverse, the better. Wash, Rinse, Repeat

(from 30 to 60 points) Novice: This church is starting to head in the right direction. Just a few tweaks and your Holiday Extravaganza could be the envy of the town. Don't forget, Quantity not, Quality. More Flags, More Palm leaves, More Sermon points.

(from 60-90 points) Advanced: Just a few more tweaks and you will be on the downslope of success carreening towards excellency. More palm leaves, and american flags won't help this operation, you have the logistics of the Holiday Extravaganza down. Now just to find more holidays.

(from 90 points and above) Expert: Everyone needs to experience one of the many extravaganzas your church has every year. From the Via Dolorosa, on easter, to the ever populare Christian themed version of " do you know the muffin Man" For national Muffin day. You have got it down to an art. All other churches envy your ability to throw down, and Melt the faces of innocent church goers. And every member of your church knows the definition of Cantada.

So, who really has the best/worst Holiday Extravaganza? What are you doing to make the next one better?